I am Pleased to Announce That I Have Closed a Deal to Bring The Golden Globes to This Blog

Here at The Movie Files, the recent news about the death of the Golden Globes, America’s proudest entertainment tradition, was nothing short of a gut punch. The Globes were a sacred event, a place to celebrate the limitless creativity our white artists display year in and year out. Just this past year, Jodie Foster picked up an award for Very Real Movie The Mauritanian, and Sia’s Music picked up not one, but TWO nominations from the only awards body not afraid of BIG AUTISM. Truly, losing this bastion of righteousness would be an unspeakable tragedy.

The Movie Files can not let that happen. We can not sit idly by and let our national pastime wither into dust just because the media has decided to succumb to the pressures of the hack frauds in their big offices trying to take away the one good the common, overworked man can find in today’s twisted society. That is why I, personally, have negotiated a deal to let the Golden Globes live on through this site. Now, of course, that will mean some changes. For starters, There will no longer be a show. The awards will be given out in blog posts like this one. In fact, including this one. That’s the second change. We have come to the decision that in the name of product integration, it might be best to launch the rebranded Golden Globes as soon as possible, before the vultures in the cancel culture mob finish picking over the charred husk they left for dead. This way, the spotlight is still on, and the Globes can still spring triumphantly from the ashes like the proverbial long-overdue popcorn kernel. The third major change will be in terms of decision-making. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, that lovable group of ragtag scoundrels we all know and love, will be staying on in advisory roles. However, the awards themselves will be decided unilaterally by me, personally. I figured that the Globes policy of centralizing the awards to a handful of people was so brilliant, I would try taking it a step further. It is my foremost hope that you all enjoy this new direction. Without further ado, The Movie Files proudly presents:

THE GOLDEN GLOBES: THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL

Up first, meet the nominees for Best Picture: Drama.

First Cow

Kelly Reichardt’s latest may have been overlooked at the first iteration of these awards, but fortunately, the time to correct that has arrived. First Cow is exceptional, another one of Reichardt’s brilliant explorations of what life in America really looks like.

HFPA commentary: Kelly sure is an odd name for a man.

Da 5 Bloods

This spot was a tossup between this and Trial of the Chicago 7. They’re almost indistinguishable— Netflix dramas, with numbers in the title, about the resonance of Vietnam in modern society. Do you go with the one featuring some of the most powerful social critique of the past several decades, sandwiched in between astonishingly assured filmmaking and performances? Or do you go with the one that was designed specifically to win this award? Impossible call. In the end, I flipped a coin, and ended up with the former.

HFPA commentary: We object to this decision. We were not allowed in the room when the coin flip was being conducted, and believe it may be fraudulent. We will be filing in Arizona shortly.

Mank

Mank!

The Woman Who Ran

Look, full disclosure, I have not seen this one yet. But I am fully convinced that it will be my favorite of the year once I finally do, at some point this summer. All hail Hong Sang-soo.

HFPA commentary: what

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

36th Chamber of Shaolin! What are you doing here? You came out in 1978. Ah well. I guess mistakes happen. You can stay.

And the winner is…

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin!

Well, if it’s in there, it’s gotta win. Nothing I can do about that. Hopefully the next category will go better. Here are the nominees for Best Picture: Musical or Comedy.

Sound of Metal

Look, I know this is neither a musical nor a comedy, but I had to make some concessions to the HFPA, and they saw the word “sound” in the title and thought it was a musical. I couldn’t convince them otherwise. They also tried to get Julie Andrews in for Best Actress for it, but fortunately I managed to leave her on the shortlist.

HFPA commentary: #JusticeForJulie

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

On principle, I wanted to exclude this, considering it did win this category in real life, but come on. It’s a Borat movie. In 2020. How can I resist this.

Mank

Mank!

Music

Ohhhhhhh shit. Okay. Hold on. Crap. We messed up. Goddamn it. This was not supposed to be here. HFPA, did you do this?

HFPA commentary: mwahahahaha

Oh this is not funny, HFPA. How did you even get this on here? This is not good. Readers, I apologize for this oversight. I have dispatched a team to… take care of the HFPA, they should be arriving shortly.

HFPA commentary: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE

While we’re waiting for that to play out, I would just like one serious moment to talk about the film Music. I have not watched it, because I a) do not hate myself that much, and b) do not want to give a single penny to the people behind it, so I’m acting more off of what I’ve heard here, but what I’ve heard is pretty horrifying. So I just want to say that this isn’t new. Horrific representation for the autistic community is astonishingly prevalent, even among groups and sources that claim to care about the cause. Organizations like Autism Speaks sell an appalling party line that undercuts the people they profess to protect while they establish themselves as an authority on the subject. Sia can shield herself behind claims of good intentions however much she wants, and I’m sure that she didn’t set out to make this film with outwardly malicious ones, but I’m also sure as hell that she didn’t put enough thought into it to have any intentions at all. At best she wanted to use autism as a prop. It’s unacceptable. And the Golden Globes actually nominated this garbage! God I’m so glad they’re dead. Err, under new management.

On the Rocks

I have decided to take my frustrations on multiple very dumb movie world occurrences out today, apparently, in this case a very bad list that professes that Lost in Translation is a comedy. Therefore, Sofia Coppola/Bill Murray movies are all comedies now.

HFPA commentary: help us

And the winner is…

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm!

I object to musicals getting even part of their own category for this so I’m going with the only true comedy of the bunch, on principle and oh crap I forgot Palm Springs. This is the price of continuing to acknowledge the existence of Music.

Our next category is Best Director:

Kelly Reichardt, First Cow

Oops! All women.

HFPA commentary: No… NO!

Oh yes!

Sofia Coppola, On the Rocks

A stunning accomplishment for such a noted comedy director.

Mank

Mank!

Chloe Zhao, Nomadland

I promised myself I would abstain from all Nomadland mentions after how much it dominated awards season, but then I remembered that these are the Golden Globes! I’m beholden to no standards! It’s so liberating.

Garrett Bradley, Time

I have seen Time, decidedly one of the year’s very best films, get repeatedly overlooked and shafted in serious discussion so many times that I don’t have a joke about it. Go watch Time.

And the winner is…

Kelly Reichardt, First Cow!

Under my glorious new awards season regime, we will singlehandedly undo the decades of injustice that have been done to one of the greatest living filmmakers.

Up next is… Best Actor: Drama? Absolutely not. We’re not splitting categories again. Enough. Up next is Best Actor.

Delroy Lindo, Da 5 Bloods

Yeah this is the best performance of the year and it got zero awards attention. I think that was it for me and caring about these things.

Mads Mikkelsen, Another Round

Better dancing in this performance than any other this year.

Mank

Mank!

Riz Ahmed, Sound of Metal

For bravely embodying two of my greatest fears: losing my hearing, and drumming.

Steven Yeun, Minari

Totally outstanding in this movie, but make no mistake: this is retroactive for Burning.

And the winner is…

Delroy Lindo!

I’ve addressed this. Don’t know why I even had to do the buildup.

Before I move on to the next category, quick point of order— at the end of the year, I was going to do sort of a blog awards type thing, list year end best-ofs across categories and such, and I kept postponing doing it until I could see the new Hong because I believed that would clean up. It is now May, this is my second post in a row with a similar, albeit less serious, conceit, and I have finally figured out when I’m gonna be able to catch Woman Who Ran, which is over the summer. So that’ll just go on the 2021 list, year-end awards are canceled, and all of the hypothetical in absentia awards that would have gone to The Woman Who Ran will be accepted by, oh I don’t know, Grass. I like Grass. Always feel like it gets underrated in Hong’s work, which I guess is because it’s pretty much a doodle, but it’s not any more of a doodle than Claire’s Camera, which it’s also better than, and which is frequently cited as one of his most popular films. Anyway, congratulations to Grass.

Getting back to very serious business, here are the nominees for Best Actress:

Viola Davis, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Honestly maybe more of a supporting part, but nobody seems to have raised that point, and who are we at the Golden Globes to break new ground? It’s the titular role! Gotta be a lead.

Jessie Buckley, I’m Thinking of Ending Things

Of COURSE her career was gonna turn into giving all-timer performances to no recognition, which I’m now realizing is a misplaced sentiment considering how popular Kaufman movies are within their niche.

Mank

Mank!

Sonia Braga, Bacurau

OOOH I just remembered her! Remember Bacurau? Damn that was great. No clue whether this even remotely counts as a lead performance, almost certainly not, who cares, GLOBES

Rashida Jones, On The Rocks

She is GREAT in this movie and I will, as I have repeatedly asserted, die on this hill.

And the winner is…

Sonia Braga!

I was gonna go Buckley, but I’ve done enough fawning over that performance and literally just remembered about Bacurau. Sorry, Bacurau. Here’s a Golden Globe for your troubles. Anyway, if nothing else, this one will continue making the HFPA sob uncontrollably.

Up next is Best Supporting Actor! A quick note on this one, Daniel Kaluuya in Judas and the Black Messiah would absolutely be mentioned, but the movie came out in early ‘21 and I stand by my belief that it was competing in the wrong awards season. Yes I know I gave Best Picture to a movie from 1978, I fail to see the correlation. Judas is a great movie though. Nominees!

That One Dude, David Byrne’s American Utopia

That one guy! You know the one.

Bo Burnham, Promising Young Woman

Paris Hilton Scene dot jpeg. Only thing I can say I unreservedly loved about this movie.

Mank

Mank!

Paul Raci, Sound of Metal

Haha yeah I’m crying just thinking about this one.

HFPA commentary: the HILLLLLS are ALIIIIVE

Oh my GOD HFPA SHUT UP. HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE.

HFPA commentary: did we even get back here? Or are we a figment of your imagination caused by an inadvisable desire to continue paying attention to awards shows that has manifested itself into whatever this is. Think about it. You’re unable to let something as inevitable and tenuously genuinely related to movies as the collapse of the Golden Globes pass by without taking an entire afternoon to lambast it extensively. Is it possible you’re just obsessed with us? That you need us, and now that our real life counterparts may never torment you with casual racism and poor film taste ever again, you’ve conjured up a reality in which we live on, being intentionally obtuse about bad movies from the 60s, as a form of coping?

No, I choose to believe that this is the real HFPA expressing genuine opinions on The Sound of Music, if for no other reason than the fact that I refuse to acknowledge how incredibly stupid this entire exercise is. Who’s next.

Alan Kim, Minari

Alan is also receiving an honorary lifetime achievement award for giving the first good child performance ever. We did it, everyone. We can shut them down forever now.

Winner’s Paul Raci. If you’ve ever read this blog before you know it’s basically a Paul Raci stan blog at this point.

Up next, and mercifully our last category, is Best Supporting Actress.

Youn Yuh-jung, Minari

In a STUNNING crossover of the Hong Sang-soo train and real life, Youn Yuh-jung won a goddamn Oscar. Remember that? That was awesome.

Sonia Braga, Bacurau

Just covering all my bases. For precedent, see Barry Fitzgerald at the 1945 Oscars. We here at the Golden Globes are all about TRADITION.

Mank

Mank!

Toni Collette, I’m Thinking of Ending Things

All Toni Collette has to do to get a nomination here is be in something. That’s the Movie Files-Golden Globes guarantee.

Eve the Cow, First Cow

Moo Moo baby!

And the winner is…

Youn Yuh-Jung!

Hong reigns.

Oh, we were supposed to do TV awards, too, right? Ok. They all go to Succession. All of them. Congratulations Succession.

And so we conclude yet another wildly successful installment of the Golden Globes, brought back to life through the power of cinema. We’ll be back next year to honor the best and brightest of 2021. Several titles the HFPA have already penciled in for slots will all be in competition, as will (in theory) some up-and-coming unknown quantities. And remember: if the fake news media tries to tell you that the Golden Globes are dead, just remember that they live on, not only in our hearts (though they certainly do that), but on this blog, home of the very real, not dead, totally extant Golden Globes.