It has come to my attention that a Twitter account claiming to be the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has been posting the purported Golden Globe awards for 2021. As readers of this blog should know, The Movie Files is the only legitimate home of the storied HFPA, and in conjunction with that body, presents the Iconic Globes. All official awards will be posted here. Anything you see anywhere else is fraudulent.
So, without further ado, here are the 2021 Golden Globes:
The first award is for Best Screenplay. What kind of screenplay? Who cares. Let’s meet the nominees!
Drive My Car
Belfast, probably
The Wes Anderson
Memoria
Was The Two Popes this year?
HFPA sez: what in the fresh hell is Memoria
And the winner is:
Drive My Car! Because eh, screw it, everything I wrote about this movie’s awards chances was dead wrong. Hamaguchi gang is going all the way!
Up next is Best Cinematography. Cinematography is when a movie has a bunch of wacky colors in it. Here are the nominees!
Licorice Pizza
Belfast, probably
Memoria
The Power of the Dog
Dune
HFPA sez: no seriously what is it you’re freaking us out
And the winner is:
Dune! Look at that worm go!
When the Lumiere brothers came up with cinema, this is what they envisioned.
Up next is Best Supporting Actor. Everyone’s favorite. Here are the nominees:
Vincent Lindon, Titane
Belfast, probably
Kodi Smit-McPhee, The Power of the Dog
Ben Affleck, The Last Duel
Kyle Chandler, Godzilla vs Kong
HFPA sez: mwahaha, that’s right! Vincent Lindon is supporting in Titane! we wholeheartedly support this patently very wrong opinion!
And the winner is:
Ben Affleck for The Last Duel! Maybe I needed to look harder, but I couldn’t find a gif of Ben Affleck in this movie saying “come on in, take your pants off”, which is a shame.
In the name of keeping with the times, we’re gonna pull a fast one and present Best Picture early. Here are the nominees:
Drive My Car
Belfast, probably
Dune
Licorice Pizza
The French Dispatch
Memoria
Annette
The Card Counter
Season 3 of Succession
Old
HFPA sez: well the clear pick here is The Card Counter, a fun, fast-paced romp through the world of professional poker. yessir, this latest fr— oh? oh, god. oh no, really? wow. yeesh. this is the first we’re hearing about this. man.
And the winner is:
What’s this?!
BY GOD THAT’S THE 36th CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN’S MUSIC.
Wow. Unbelievable, for the second year in a row, Lau Kar-leung’s 1978 martial arts classic has taken home the big one. Truly historic. There’s really nothing I nor the HFPA could do about this one. Sometimes you just run into a force too unstoppable. Better luck next year, contemporary cinema.
Per the cards I have here, the next category should be Best Set Design — Black and White, which can’t be right, so we’re skipping it. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress:
Every single supporting actress, Drive My Car
Belfast, probably
Every single supporting actress, Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy
Baby Annette, Annette
Maddie Hasson, Malignant
HFPA sez: we think this is the one Belfast should win. pretty please?
And the winner is:
Maddie Hasson! Specifically for the scene where she finds out her sister is adopted:
Just too good. People were unkind to this movie and I cannot abide it. This is the work of masters who knew exactly what they were doing and calling it bad, even intentionally, is next-level point missing.
One thing about movies is that often, there is sound in them. Here’s Best Sound:
Memoria
Belfast, probably
Dune
Old
Godzilla vs Kong
HFPA sez: no guys but for real. you’re making this movie up, right?
And the winner is:
Memoria! Hahaha THUD. It’s definitely the single best sound in any film this year! The magic of the movies, folks.
Up next we have the category honoring the people behind the films, the ones whose tireless visions and abilities to secure studio funding make these movies happen. Here are the nominees for Best Director:
Ryusuke Hamaguchi, Drive My Car
Belfast, probably
Paul Thomas Anderson, Licorice Pizza
Hal 9000, whichever Marvel thing came out this year
Apichatpong Weerasethakul, Memoria
HFPA sez: GAH
And the winner is:
Apichatpong Weerasethakul! The Thai auteur continues his run as an awards darling with yet another accolade on his impressive mantle.
We turn back from the weenie, loser, below-the-line categories and towards the ones where the action is: in front of the screen. Here are the nominees for Best Lead Actress:
Tilda Swinton, Memoria
Belfast, probably
Jodie Comer, The Last Duel
Alana Haim, Licorice Pizza
Agathe Rousselle, Titane
HFPA sez: we’re still getting over the last categories and here it is again. how could you do this to us. shaking, crying, throwing up.
And the winner is:
Alana Haim, Licorice Pizza! As great as Comer and Swinton are, I do not believe they also made Women in Music Part III, so even if the performance wasn’t incredible, this would still be the call.
Movies can often resemble life. That’s part of their unique capability to reflect our experiences: sometimes they will turn a mirror on existence in a way that’s genuinely eerie. One of these reflections is that much like there are women in life, there are also men. Tonight, we honor some dudes who exemplified this. Here are the nominees for Best Actor:
Timothee Chalamet, Dune
Belfast, probably
Adam Driver, Annette
Timothee Chalamet, The French Dispatch
Nic Cage, Prisoners of the Ghostland. I still haven’t seen Pig, so here’s another P movie.
HFPA sez: we’re voting Driver. haven’t seen the movie.
And the winner is:
Timothee Chalamet!
And now, we arrive at the last award at the night. The big one, the one people dream their entire lives about receiving, the one in mind when films are being made. Here are the nominees for Best Score:
Dune — Hans Zimmer steps out of his comfort zone by going somewhere he hasn’t been in a long time: a genuinely interesting and textured musical accompaniment.
Belfast, probably
Malignant — this film’s utterly wondrous score is built on a modification on the guitar riff from the Pixies’ Where is my Mind. The movie should win 11 Oscars.
The Power of the Dog — with every new score he writes, Jonny Greenwood continues to defy the odds and show that he’s one of the very best of all time, and that his early-career struggles (being in Radiohead) were nothing but a blip on an otherwise dazzling career.
Titane — look, the requirements of an original score category clearly don’t make room for this movie’s incredible scene wherein Vincent Lindon dances to Future Islands’ Light House. But since I’ve just labelled it Best Score, what the hell? I’m gonna slide it in here.
HFPA sez: okay we’ve been upset over Memoria all night but we just looked up the plot of Titane and dear god
And the winner is:
Dune! America’s got Dune fever, and now here it is, taking home Hollywood’s biggest prize on Hollywood’s biggest night. If more movies had the guts to include giant worms, maybe they could’ve had the same fate for themselves. But they didn’t. And here we are.
That’ll do it for another round of America’s greatest awards show.
The Movie Files 