Crimes of the Future: David Cronenberg and the End of the Line

Just shy of 40 years ago, in February of 1983, Canadian horror filmmaker David Cronenberg received studio money to unleash Videodrome, a gruesome paranoid thriller about a sleazy TV executive who stumbles upon a channel airing, seemingly, snuff films. Smuggled into the film behind the likes of James Woods and Blondie frontwoman Debbie Harry were piles of Cronenberg’s trademark gore, viscera, and fascinations with transformations of the human body. He lost that studio money. Cronenberg was, by a month, still in his 30s at the release of Videodrome. He was young, spry, full of ideas. The poor box-office reception of that film wouldn’t slow him down, as for the foreseeable future he went further into his controversial, often unappealing idiom.

Today, David Cronenberg is 79. Eight years have passed since Maps to the Stars, until recently his latest film, debuted at the Cannes film festival. In those eight years, the popular wisdom seemed to become that he had entered a state of semi-retirement. No projects were announced, no indication of movement. In the 21st century, it was starting to look like he had outgrown his trademark body horror, moving towards more contemplative and dramatic examinations of his fascinations such as A History of Violence and Eastern Promises. The violence and tone remained, the running threads about blood, transformation, what it means to be human, all survived, all existed as an unmistakably distinct marker of the man’s work. But the man himself, in step with his career-long question about how much we can change before we are no longer ourselves, had encountered a fundamental shift. And then he stopped. It felt natural, in a sense. Maybe he had said all he had to say.

In 1970, Cronenberg directed Crimes of the Future. This was even before the early period when he first clicked with the body horror that would become his MO, putting out films like Shivers and The Brood. This was Cronenberg in his infancy. Crimes ran about an hour long, and its reputation in today’s Cronenberg canon is that of an oddity, even a failure, a diehards-only affair that really isn’t all that significant but for being prehistoric. It earns this, never seeming fully assured of its themes or why its visuals are the way they are. In the film, you can see Cronenberg forming, but it is unclear what he’s working towards. Something was missing.

In early 2021, Viggo Mortensen revealed that Cronenberg had something else cooking. It was to be his first body horror movie since 1999’s eXistenZ, his triumphant return to the genre with which his name was always fated to be intertwined. He was finally filming a script he had been kicking around for decades, since he was a younger man. Only in his late 70s was he ready to bring it to the screen. When originally conceived, Cronenberg had given it the name Painkillers, but for its long-awaited entry into reality, he decided upon another title: Crimes of the Future.

This marked the beginning of the end of a series of long processes for Cronenberg: returning for his first feature film since 2014, returning to body horror for the first time since 1999, returning to the script for the first time since its abandonment in the early 2000s, and returning to that title, vividly evocative but lost on a film nobody remembers, for the first time since 1970. In the eyes of the public, it was the beginning of a cycle leading to the film’s release. But, fittingly for a film about, among other things, the agony of artistic creation, the weight of the factors that had gone into its arrival meant that the remaining cycle was merely the tip of the iceberg.

So, in the end, what’s the film we got out of all this? In short, it’s a masterpiece, a vintage example of Cronenberg’s fixations and stylistic tics. But it’s also completely befitting of what led to it. As mentioned, the new Crimes of the Future focuses on artistic creation, legitimizing the term “suffering for your art” in new ways: the main character, Saul Tenser (Mortensen), is a performance artist of great renown whose performances consist of the surgical removal of internal organs. These organs are entirely new, heretofore unheard of ones that Tenser grows spontaneously. In this process, Cronenberg zeroes in on the subject of bodily transformation that he has confronted in his art for decades, but reaches a new, self-referential question: are these transformations, in and of themselves, art? It’s a question Saul Tenser seems wary of, despite his own role in perpetuating the idea that it is. His art seems to inspire people to reach a variety of different conclusions: government agent Timlin (Kristen Stewart) defends it at one point by saying “many people respond to it”, an idea that she exemplifies perfectly. The art speaks to her in a way that consumes her, rewires her personally. For others, it sparks a political drive, emblematic of the idea that these growths are beautiful. An underground network of radicals who believe in eating plastic and embracing evolution others see as dangerous views it as perfectly designed to deliver a message. For Tenser, at least at the film’s onset, the art simply seems to be in the act of removal, and even this is unsure to him. His partner, Caprice (Lea Seydoux), views this removal as both artistically resonant and functionally necessary. All of these interpretations, often confusing and overlapping, spring from an act that is, by its artists, viewed as something akin to removing tumors.

The obvious way to view Tenser, and almost certainly the correct one, is as an analogue for Cronenberg. In his decades-long career, he has prodded at visceral, ugly obsessions on screen to an incredibly wide range of reactions: disgust and admiration, derision and acclaim, designation as both a peddler of shlock and an essential artist. The forces pressing down on Tenser are so disparate that his indulgences of them are easy to take as cool ambivalence, furthering a portrait of Cronenberg himself as an artist lost in perception of his art. The political movement that seeks to recruit Tenser into their cause views his art as a rallying cry celebrating the inner beauty of the human body; Tenser points out that his art centers on the removal of that beauty, inherently uninterested in letting it exist inwardly, yet the idea stays with him. The government agent who serves as Tenser’s contact in his capacity as an informant doesn’t see the point in his performances. Neither, to some extent, does Tenser; they’re useful as a job, or as a cover for his work with the government. Yet he feels compelled to defend his art, maybe buying into his own myth, maybe truly connecting with it. As his body changes, the changes themselves start to change. Tenser understands these fundamental movements, and has made himself amenable to them, liquid. Nothing is set in stone. He doesn’t have the thread of his art.

“Surgery is the new sex” is the film’s signature Cronenberg line. It’s what “Long live the new flesh” was to Videodrome. The invocation of the “new flesh” as something like a regime serves to depict the film’s conflicting cult interests in media and mutilation as all-encompassing, casting both hope and doom over the proceedings, giving them weight. In Dead Ringers, in an exchange not nearly as famous but just as essential to an understanding of Cronenberg’s self reckoning, one character responds to a comment that something is “so cold and empty” with “You can call it empty, or you can call it clean”. In that line, Cronenberg puts forth two options as to how one could view his films, not commenting, simply presenting them: his off-putting sterility could be for shock value, or it could be in service of a point about the sterility itself. The slogans of Cronenberg’s work have meaning; they worm their way into your mind, and they stick because of their resonance. “Surgery is the new sex” was designated as such before the film’s release, from its appearance in the trailers, before meaning could be adequately ascribed to it. We consume our media beforehand. Knowledge of Cronenberg’s prior work helps for context, for instance, alignment of the two concepts in films such as Crash and eXistenZ might help you to figure out what it means. So the phrase caught on, and in its actual application in the film, it’s fitting that it did. Spoken, again, by Stewart’s Timlin, the line comes to signify a deep personal response to Tenser’s surgical art that builds yet another example of weight he finds himself carrying. It’s also a commentary on Cronenberg’s own repeated depictions of mutilation, and how he has occasionally tended to present them as erotically charged (see, again, his Crash). This, like the Dead Ringers line, seeks to interrogate how we feel about these concepts. Cronenberg has always been invested in the concepts behind what he presents more than the presentation itself, which is of course, what has caught on. In one scene, Tenser views the performance of another body-based artist, the “Ear Man”, whose body is adorned with dozens of ears. Ear Man is suitably creepy, with sewn-shut eyes and mouth, complete with his own Cronenberg-esque slogan: the chillingly spoken “It is time to stop seeing”. Yet, as Tenser comments, the ears don’t even work. He dismisses this art, which he perceives as phony, due to its lack of functionality. Like Tenser, Cronenberg distinguishes himself by his concern with deeper meaning. The slogan of “Surgery is the new sex” prompts Tenser to ask Timlin why it’s necessary for anything to be “the new sex”. She responds simply, saying “It’s time”.

Crimes of the Future is, in a sense, Cronenberg taking back his own signifiers, coming to terms with what they mean to him rather than how they play to audiences. The movement of time was necessary to reach this point, this film could not have existed earlier. After spending so long away from body horror, mutations and mutilations of the flesh, his ideas have of course evolved. The world has evolved with them. These parallel evolutions are, in a Cronenbergian sense of fluid reality, mutations themselves: in The Fly, the central transformations are rapid, and in Crimes, they have slowed down to keep pace with natural human evolution. Is the implication that they’ve been happening to all of us since before we realized it? In this re-contextualization of what his signature transformations really mean, Cronenberg suggests just one of many late-career advances in his work’s philosophy. The more significant revelation in the film, however, concerns the work itself. The body horror of Cronenberg’s films has always teetered between something he’s been frightened by and enamored with, this unresolved internal tension part of what makes him so fascinating. By the film’s end, Tenser, who has resisted the more fringe political readings of his artistry, finds himself fascinated by them. In the final moments, he makes a move to break free from the rigid, mechanical structures he has let govern his life and embraces the philosophy of the plastic-eaters. In the last shot of the film, Mortensen’s face turns to elation, to release, for the first time in the film. His performance is a tormented one, pulled apart by surrounding forces externally and by the renegade forces of his own body internally. He never rests: he plays sleep as painful, and it’s no coincidence Cronenberg uses sleep as the state where he develops his art. Yet in that final image, he is at peace. He has made a truly independent choice for the first time that we see, and that choice is to give in to what his body wants, correct from the course of removal, and learn to love his evolution.

David Cronenberg has already announced his next film, The Shrouds, which is set to reunite him with Eastern Promises standout Vincent Cassel. From the available plotline, the film looks like it will center on ideas of death and the line between the living and the dead. Auteur filmmakers such as Cronenberg often tend to make late-career works fascinated with such themes, reusing motifs and images from their prior work to reach a uniting personal statement. Crimes of the Future certainly qualifies as that. In finishing the film with Saul Tenser’s moment of catharsis, Cronenberg seems to be justifying his return by delighting in the next step of his personal evolution. If the original Crimes of the Future was the work of a fledgling artist who had not yet found himself, the latest Crimes of the Future is the work of an artist who has reached not only maturity, but a final understanding of what he has been working towards. It is the beginning of some sort of end, yes, but it is also, in true Cronenberg fashion, an evolution of its own. An evolution he is more than happy to embrace.

My personal favorite directors, ranked

That thing I did the other day (day? week? month? what is time anymore) going through my favorite films of all time was a lot of fun for me to do, so I’m just going to keep going in that vein and rank my personal favorite directors. Will it be 52 directors, like it was for films? No. It shall be 24. Why 24? Look man I don’t know that’s just how many I wanted to write about. So here. Here are some directors I really like, plus their best film, my favorite of their films, the best moment in one of their films, and why they rule. Enjoy.

24- Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger

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Best film: The Red Shoes

Favorite film: The Red Shoes. That’s just why they’re here.

Best moment: The titular ballet sequence in, you guessed it, Black Narcissus. No, wait. That was in Red Shoes too.

Why they rule: I deliberated for a while (like 45 seconds) on whether or not the archers deserved a spot on this list. This is due to the somewhat inconvenient fact that I have only seen two of their films, Black Narcissus and, uh, what was the name of the other one? Anyway, the reason they are here is that both of those films just happen to be complete masterpieces (although one is more so than the other), and I’m in love with their style. Jack Cardiff’s glorious technicolor cinematography combined with absolutely brilliant writing, ingenious characters, and gut wrenching emotionality makes them an easy sell to me. I’m constantly wanting to watch more of their stuff. And seriously, look at this. From 1947. This is a Jack Cardiff appreciation post now.

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Unfair. And those are all from the one that ISN’T an earth-shattering super-masterpiece. Just a regular masterpiece.

23- Brian De Palma

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Best film: Blow Out

Favorite film: Blow Out

Best moment: “Now that’s a scream”. From Blow Out.

Why he rules: Blow Out. I’m not even kidding. De Palma is not on this list if it isn’t for the absolute legendary film that is Blow Out. Now, if I had just seen Blow Out, he also wouldn’t be here. It helps that his greatest achievement and one of the greatest achievements is buttressed in his filmography by the likes of Scarface, The Untouchables, and Carrie. The style and sheer cool that exudes from these films is ridiculous. Robert De Niro’s indelible Al Capone. Carrie’s prom meltdown. Just everything about Pacino in Scarface. The amount of iconic stuff in De Palma’s films is unparalleled, even from movies that are not Blow Out.

22- Jean Renoir

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Best film: You know what? With all due respect to his consensus masterpiece The Rules of the Game, Grand Illusion is better.

Favorite film: Grand Illusion.

Best moment: Either the prison break in Grand Illusion or the very final scene in A Day in the Country.

Why he rules: Renoir’s films are both deeply affecting and continually relevant in terms of social commentary. His recurring themes are some of my favorite to talk about- the irrational division that runs through his work is his reaction to what he viewed as a society that bred it. Each of his films can be read as a rallying cry against conformity. They’re beautifully shot, immaculately performed, and decidedly austere punk rock. His masterpieces leave you absolutely reeling, struggling to fully comprehend the greatness of what you’ve seen. Absolutely singular.

21- Bong Joon-Ho

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Best film: Parasite

Favorite film: So, so, sorry Okja, but it’s Parasite. Gee, the fact that this is the fourth straight one in which they were both the same is really undermining the point I wanted to make about how indisputably great The Red Shoes is.

Best moment: Parasite’s peach sequence. Although I have to give a shoutout to the scene Snowpiercer in which Chris Evans, through sobs, talks about how great babies taste. Cinema.

Why he rules: Oh I’m sorry, did I write Bong Joon-Ho? I meant to write FOUR TIME ACADEMY AWARD WINNER BONG JOON-HO. If you want proof of Bong’s greatness, go watch his Oscar speeches. See what a great and likable person he is. Then go watch one of his angry, dark, oppressively sad masterpieces. Impressive duality. Anyway, Bong’s four (FOUR!) Oscar wins couldn’t have happened to a more interesting or deserving director. His tone hopping and genre defying films are unlike anything. They’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, they’ll instill you with both raw societal dread and the sensation of watching a truly flawless work of art. And come on. How can you not love someone who says things like “Perhaps this is something the western audience could also take part in” when talking about subtitles. Plus, his preferred movie seat choice is back middle, which is objectively correct. What a god.

20- Francis Ford Coppola

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Best film: uuuuuuggggghhhhhh. Apocalypse Now.

Favorite film: The Godfather

Best moment: Ooh. Going against the balcony scene in The Conversation feels wrong, but there’s absolutely no other answer besides the climax of The Godfather, in which Michael’s murders of his opponents are intercut with a scene of him baptizing Connie’s child.

Why he rules: The greatest run in cinematic history? Churning out The Godfather, The Conversation, The Godfather 2, and Apocalypse Now back-to-back-to-back-to-back is the kind of unfathomable and unmatched achievement that earns FFC a place among the all time greats, even if he’s done little to nothing since to back up that placement. That 70s streak produced four of the greatest films in American history, and ones that I adore. Special shoutout to The Conversation, easily the weakest of the four masterworks, for containing my single favorite theme in cinematic history.

19- Hayao Miyazaki

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Best film: Spirited Away

Favorite film: Spirited Away

Best moment: Princess Mononoke’s climactic battle is stunning.

Why he rules: The very best at what he does (yeah present tense, don’t try to tell me he’s retired). Miyazaki is anime’s most well-known director for good reason. His films can be uplifting, like the sublime Kiki’s Delivery Service, or devastating, like the brilliant Princess Mononoke. Or they can be remarkable, unbelievable combinations of the two, like in his masterpiece Spirited Away. Angry and wonderful simultaneously, Miyazaki’s work is is incredible, that of a truly complete artist. One of the true visionaries, and the rare one who, you get the sense, executes his vision to its full extent.

18- Steven Spielberg

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Best film: Schindler’s List

Favorite film: Jurassic Park, or maybe Catch Me If You Can. Or, you know, Jaws.

Best moment: Saving Private Ryan’s opening D-Day sequence is rightfully legendary. The rest of the movie is also great, even if the ending is dumb.

Why he rules: I feel like Spielberg is one of the biggest reasons for my love of film. Loving Jurassic Park when I was younger was one of the first times I truly loved a movie. Seeing things like Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan when I had started to realize my movie obsession further cemented it. Stuff like Minority Report and Catch Me If You Can makes for great recent first watches I can never believe I hadn’t seen sooner. Spielberg’s work is immortal, it’s universal, and the thing that gets lost in his celebrity is that he’s brilliant.

17- David Cronenberg

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Best film: The Fly, right? Objectively, I think yes, but Videodrome feels so much like the quintessential Cronenberg to the point where it deserves a mention here.

Favorite film: Eastern Promises

Best moment: That bath house fight in Eastern Promises. That’s a type of filmmaking I had never seen before and haven’t since.

Why he rules: Yeah, he looks like the type of weirdo who makes this type of movie. Cronenberg’s films are aggressively visceral, marked by an obsession with flesh, bloodshed, humanity, and how these all connect. These are tough films to watch and tough films to analyze, but they are so rich and so entertaining. The Fly is an absolute masterpiece of horror that also happens to be an operatic melodrama (which he did turn into an opera). Videodrome is gross as hell, but the whole point is that it’s gross as hell, it’s a commentary on being gross as hell. A Cronenberg film is levels of meta upon meta, it’s deeply layered and imbued with meaning. These are not films for everyone, but they are beautiful in a perverse, broken way.

16- Yorgos Lanthimos

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Best film: The Lobster

Favorite film: The Lobster

Best moment: I can’t pick one single moment from The Lobster, although the ending is pretty ridiculously great, or from The Favourite, so my pick is from The Killing of a Sacred Deer. It’s the scene where Colin Farrell blindfolds himself and lets fate decide the solution to his problem.

Why he rules: Lanthimos is an unclassifiable weirdo who makes unclassifiable weirdo movies. They’re so shot through with uncomfortable and dark humor, pervasive melancholy, and such a singular oddity that they’re easy to love if you like weird movies, which I do. A Yorgos film is a strange occurrence. They’re brilliant mood pieces that relate to no mood known to man. They’re just remarkable. In certain instances, nothing hits the spot quite like Lanthimos’ work. Plus, the man made The Lobster, one of my absolute favorite films.

15- Claire Denis

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Best film: Beau Travail

Favorite film: U.S. Go Home

Best moment: THIS IS THE RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT.

For real let’s talk about this freaking scene. This has no business being as masterful as it is. It’s just Denis Lavant dancing ridiculously, to a bad song, in a way that goes completely contrary to the slow and serious tone of the film. And yet it works. It’s absolutely unforgettable. It’s a perfect ending to a perfect film.

Why she rules: Denis is a definite artiste, a filmmaker whose work is so difficult and inaccessible that it really does make sense that she isn’t widely popular. But oh my god is she great. Her films are ones that refuse to leave your mind. Their deliberate pacing and decidedly bleak ideology makes them hard to watch, but at the close of one it feels as if you’ve gone through a legitimately religious experience. Her films are so well made, so well acted, and so utterly brilliant. She’s one of the absolute greatest working directors, and her newfound collaboration with Robert Pattinson is a dream pairing. I can’t wait for that next one.

14- Wes Anderson

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Best film: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Favorite film: Ooh. Grand Budapest, I think.

Best moment: “Nobody move. Everybody’s under arrest”.

Why he rules: Oh man the style. Nobody ever has been more committed to his or her idiom than Wes Anderson, and it is wonderful. Wes’s films are so highly stylized that even the ones that aren’t very good (hello, Darjeeling Limited) are still watchable and even enjoyable. His cabal of actors are always perfectly suited for the material, the visual perfection is always spot on, and the films are always funny. These are just pure cinematic sugar. They’re fun and wonderful and just great. I don’t get people who don’t like them. Who cares if it’s the same movie over and over again? It’s a fantastic one. I cannot wait for The French Dispatch.

13- Ingmar Bergman

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Best film: Persona, but oh man is Wild Strawberries close.

Favorite film: Wild Strawberries, but oh man is Persona close.

Best moment: The opening of The Seventh Seal. Few things are more iconic or just cooler than Max Von Sydow playing chess with death.

Why he rules: Maybe history’s most prodigiously talented filmmaker, Bergman has not one but two films (the ones listed above in best and favorite films) that have legitimate claims to the title of greatest of all time. They’re always fascinating, always flawlessly made, and always unforgettable. A Bergman film is searing and indelible like nothing else. They earn their reputation for heaviness, sure, but that absolutely isn’t a bad thing. Also, the thing nobody ever talks about with Bergman? The humor. The Seventh Seal, the very image of impenetrable foreign film, is actually pretty funny. Bleak and philosophically dense, yes, but fart jokes!

12- Jean-Luc Godard

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Best film: Breathless. Duh.

Favorite film: Pierrot le Fou

Best moment: It has to be a dance sequence. Vivre Sa Vie’s pool hall scene is a contender, but although it’s a weaker film, Bande a Part gets the win for the Madison scene.

Why he rules: Pretentious? The most. Obnoxious? Oh totally. Genius? One hundred percent. If Bergman’s films are the stereotype of boring foreign films, Godard represents the stereotype of weird arty nonsense, of French films just being people smoking cigarettes, of whatever. It’s hard to talk about why I love Godard without sounding like I’m just buying into the image, but the films really are the image. They’re entertaining, they’re breezy, they’re as fun to watch as they are brilliant in their casualness. The lightness with which Godard characters throw around philosophy is the same attitude with which Godard himself does. It’s rare to see a filmmaker who so philosophizes through his characters. Godard’s worldview is so omnipresent in his work that it’s impossible not to fall for the blend of style and substance, even if the style really is the substance.

11- The Coen Brothers

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Best film: Fargo

Favorite film: The Big Lebowksi

Best moment: “What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?”

Why they rule: I have seen 14 films by Joel and Ethan Coen and there isn’t one that I would describe as anything less than great. Yes, I haven’t hit the bad stuff, still no Intolerable Cruelty or Ladykillers, but I genuinely love the ones I’ve seen. This includes, by the way, Hail, Caesar!, which is a genuinely fantastic film that people hate because they hate fun. And the highs are so incredibly high: Big Lebowski, No Country, and Fargo are stone cold classics. A Serious Man is almost among that group. Raising Arizona, Miller’s Crossing, and Barton Fink are incredible. Add in the fact that the lower level stuff is tremendous and you have one of the most balanced and consistently great filmographies ever.

10- Stanley Kubrick

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Best film: 2001: A Space Odyssey

Favorite film: The Shining

Best moment: It doesn’t get much better than the opening of A Clockwork Orange. The slow pull back, the eerie voiceover narration, the industrially hellish score. It’s the most flawless moment from a career full of them.

Why he rules: There’s not much to say about Kubrick that hasn’t already been said. He’s the greatest visual stylist ever. He was a purveyor of epic narratives that fall into a genre entirely of his own making. His films are experiences, every one of them. They’re also entertaining, impeccably made, and obviously remarkably influential, in addition to possessing a totally marvelous atmosphere that is paralleled by nothing else in existence. It’s Kubrick. What more can I possibly say?

9- Akira Kurosawa

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Best film: High and Low (caveat: I have yet to carve out three and a half hours for Seven Samurai. Soon.)

Favorite film: Ikiru

Best moment: Ikiru. In the snow.

Why he rules: A master entertainer, flawless craftsman, and general eternal legend, Kurosawa’s influence can be found in a few things. Like, for instance, every western and also Star Wars. The samurai stuff is all ridiculously fun, and yet it’s beaten by the remarkable contemporarily-set work he turned out on occasion. Ikiru and High and Low are the two best of the films I’ve seen by a lot (and this is no small statement considering how incredible Rashomon is). These are stunning achievements, ones with brilliant social commentary, gripping emotional stakes, and perfect craft. Every single frame of High and Low is an impeccable composition. There’s no point in Ikiru where it’s anything less than fully heartbreaking or wonderfully triumphant, often at the same time. Kurosawa’s work can range from testaments to the human spirit to super entertaining samurai thrillers, and it’s all wonderful.

8- David Lynch

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Best film: Mulholland Dr.

Favorite film: Muholland Dr.

Best moment: Mulholland Dr.’s dumpster hobo! No but for real it’s Dennis Hopper’s first appearance in Blue Velvet.

Why he rules: The weirdest of the weirdos on this list by far. Not just in terms of the films, although Eraserhead alone would take that title. Lynch is a bona fide strange man, this is clear if you’ve ever seen him talk. Or if you’ve seen the delightful short recently dropped on Netflix, What Did Jack Do?. Lynch’s absurdity is half of why he’s so brilliant, the other is simply how good he is. He’s formally brilliant, and a perfectly tailored writer for furthering the purpose of his oddness. All of his craft is geared towards this end, towards making sure that this weirdness is supported by good enough quality to stand on. He has endless imitators, but he’s the only person who can fully nail his style.

7- Paul Thomas Anderson

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Best film: There Will Be Blood

Favorite film: Boogie Nights

Best moment: I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE.

Why he rules: A perfect hybrid of technical brilliance and skill with his actors, PTA is one of our great modern talents, and this is evident in every one of his films. They’re all bold works of art, totally unique and trailblazing originals that feature totally different reasons for their greatness. He’s versatile, with work ranging from sprawling epics to tiny character studies. He’s consistent, turning out masterpiece after masterpiece. He’s important, having made some of the most notable films of his age. And the movies themselves are compulsively watchable as much as they’re able to be studied and analyzed. He’s just relentlessly brilliant. Seriously, who else could’ve made Phantom Thread work as well as it does? Maybe just Scorsese? Maybe not even him?

6- Wong Kar-Wai

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Best film: In the Mood for Love

Favorite film: Chungking Express

Best moment: I have no idea how many times on this blog I’ve talked about my love of the ending of Fallen Angels, so this may sounds repetitive, but it’s that.

Why he rules: A totally singular stylist whose films also contain more substance than most other filmmakers could ever dream of. If this list has made nothing else clear, it should’ve indicated that I love directors with unique styles, and Wong is among the very best of the bunch. Bold colors, liberal use of slo mo, Christopher Doyle’s all-time-greatest cinematography, totally unique use of music. It all combines in Wong’s films to create works of melancholy and daring hope, stories that still pop into my mind at random moments. Wong’s work lingers like nobody else’s, and to call that his defining characteristic does a disservice to how wonderful the films are to actually watch.

5- Pedro Almodovar

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Best film: Talk to Her

Favorite film: All About my Mother or Pain and Glory

Best moment: The bookending opera scenes in Talk to Her. Technically two moments, but who cares.

Why he rules: Style! Almodovar’s bold and bombastic nature is a breath of fresh air in every one of his films. They’re amazing to watch: they can range in scope from tragic to life affirming, usually spanning the entire spectrum in one film. Talk to Her is one of the greatest films of the 21st century, and Pain and Glory is one of the most religious experiences I’ve ever had in a movie theater. He also displays a remarkable skill with his actors, although it helps that he works with talents as brilliant as the likes of Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas (ROBBED of that Oscar for Pain and Glory). At the end of the day, a film by Almodovar instills a feeling in me like no other, and that’s invaluable.

4- Alfred Hitchcock

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Best film: Vertigo

Favorite film: Psycho

Best moment: Come on. Shower scene.

Why he rules: The master of suspense. The first horror director. Hitchcock is incredible because he made films that remain more entertaining and well done than everything that followed. His work is so well known that he’s become the largest household name of any filmmaker from his era. He’s an icon. A legend. An image of the straw man of Old Movies. And deservingly so. The films are remarkable. When he was at the top of his game he was untouchable. Vertigo, Psycho, Rear Window These are strokes of absolute genius. Enduring classics that set the tone for everyone who decided to follow in Hitch’s footsteps. And they are just so fun to watch.

3- Quentin Tarantino

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Best film: Pulp Fiction

Favorite film: Pulp Fiction

Best moment: Speaking of scenes I’ve no doubt run into the ground on this blog:

Why he rules: For someone who so shamelessly and openly steals from what has come before him, Tarantino has a way of making his work feel fresh. This is also the case considering he keeps recycling the same basic ideas and styles. This is not a complaint- the man has his niche, he knows he’s great when he’s in it, and he just churns out remarkable entertainment that conveniently doubles as high art under the surface of pulp. He has made films that have been absolutely formative experiences for my love of movies, and ones that I continue to love and watch obsessively. I can’t wait for whatever the hell film number 10 ends up being, as long as it isn’t Star Trek.

2- John Carpenter

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Best film: Halloween

Favorite film: CUE THE GODAWFULL MUSIC.

That is the song that plays over the closing credits of Big Trouble in Little China, sung by the Coup De Villes, horror cinema’s greatest rock band (nope. Sorry. Goblin. Can’t believe there was an actual answer). The Coup de Villes were made up of Carpenter himself, Nick Castle (who played Michael Myers in the original Halloween, and Tommy Lee Wallace (who directed, among other things, the legendarily insane Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the possibly nonexistent sequel to Carpenter’s Vampires). All very talented people. Who suck as a band.

Best moment: Oh man. Is it the blood test in The Thing? Is it the ending of The Thing? Is it the ending of In the Mouth of Madness? Is it the dream/vision in Prince of Darkness? It’s actually Roddy Piper’s iconic They Live declaration:

Why he rules: The films of John Carpenter may not exactly be Bergman. There are more sophisticated directors to love. But there are exactly zero who are more entertaining. Every Carpenter film is a relentless good time, whether it’s a horror movie, an action film, or whatever on earth Big Trouble in Little China is. They’re also uniformly well made, well acted, yada yada he’s incredible. I could regurgitate the stuff I’ve said about the formal excellence of every other filmmaker on this list, and it’d all be true, but there’s something about that that’s just unfitting of the master of horror. Carpenter is a king among men, a consistently awesome filmmaker who also happens to compose the (fantastic) scores to his films. Seriously, the only thing as impressive as making Halloween is making Halloween and creating the iconic theme.

1- Martin Scorsese

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Best film: Goodfellas

Favorite film (of all time): Goodfellas

Best moment: It really bothers me that there’s no way to type the opening to Harry Nilsson’s “Jump into the fire”.

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Why he rules: So we come to the end of the list. A foregone conclusion. The king of cinema. The greatest living filmmaker. The greatest American director of all time. A man who, in addition to creating countless classics, has worked tirelessly to preserve and restore obscure films from around the world. But none of that even matters for the purpose of this exercise. Martin Scorsese made Goodfellas, which is why he’s at the top of this list. The other stuff just solidifies something that I’m not trying to measure here: the combination of endless range, masterpiece after masterpiece, and devotion to the art form makes Martin Scorsese, simply put, the King of Movies. And not one that has to choose between being king for a day or schmuck for a lifetime. An icon deserving of his stature. A living legend who’s still putting out some of the best work we’ve seen from him. The greatest ever.